Posts tagged divorce

Ask Lucy

In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the questions comes from Sally.

Is it normal not to know if you’re in love or not? I know it’s a silly question when you are older, but after being in love and in a marriage for 20+ years I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever have that “head over heels” feeling again and I may not ever get that back. Shame on me for saying it back and not knowing, but I know it’s just different. I have such a shield now with everyone that I have lost the closeness with my parents and sibling. I keep to myself, but do enjoy time with that special man in my life who has shown me how to laugh again.  I have read that it’s normal to shut people out after a divorce, but does a person ever open back up again? What are your thoughts?”

This is a difficult one to answer because your pain comes across so openly. That is what happens after you had such a long marriage. It is to be expected.

Sure you were so in love with your first marriage, but it doesn’t have to stop there. You are in the healing process after divorce. Each person is different.

There is no magic formula that will tell you when it is okay to fall in love again. The love that you shared with your ex-husband will always be special. You created a strong bond together.

For whatever your reasons were for divorcing it didn’t break that tie completely. You grew together for so many years and I bet some of those were truly wonderful years too.

When you share that kind of time together it won’t be that easy to feel like you can love again. Depending if your divorce was recent or not will also determine how you feel about love. It’s okay to question your feelings.

You may not know if you are in love or not because you are afraid to answer that question. Maybe the new guy in your life is a great companion that enjoys your company, adores you and makes you laugh.

If that was missing in your life before, then it would be easier for you to accept him in your life now.

Do you think you enjoy his attention and the fact that he makes you feel special again?

I can only imagine that it would be flattering to get that kind of attention after a divorce. You deserve to be treated like a queen. It is great that you enjoy each others company.

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Ask Lucy

In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the question comes from Sonia.

“Recently two friends have confided in me that they are thinking of getting a divorce. Both have been in a long marriage  (5-10+ years.) Although I am rooting for their marriage to get back on track; this does not help my fear of tying the knot myself. It is a conversation that has come up recently in my own relationship. I’m scared that I might say no because of this fear of divorcing like everyone that I know. What can I do to feel more secure about saying yes to marriage?”

Well first of all let me commend you for being that friend that offers support and positive feedback on this particular subject. Divorce is such a sensitive topic for so many people. It is a difficult time for those contemplating such a decision.

Often it is hard to even discuss with your friends for fear of what you might hear back on this subject. Don’t let what other people have gone through be an indicator of how marriage will turn out for you.

Remember that everyone has their own troubles and that you need to be clear on how you really feel about marriage in general. Keep in mind that just because the people in your life have gone through a divorce doesn’t mean that you will follow suit.

There are people who were meant to be married and also made the right decision in getting a divorce amicably. Sometimes there is an abuse in a relationship and all the more reason to end a marriage. When all else fails to restore a marriage, divorce can end up being the last resort.

All marriages go through various stages. There are up’s and there are also downs. It’s really a matter of being able to communicate from the very beginning.

Keep on having this conversation with your significant other. Be open to discussing your fears about getting married. The last thing that you want to do is to say no because you’re afraid.

The thought of marriage can seem scary. You wonder what it will be like or if you are truly ready. Commitment is a serious thing.

Think about what scares you about saying yes to marriage. Is it simply that the people who you love and care about have gone through a divorce or is there more to your fear?

Maybe you are afraid to say yes because you still like being in the current relationship as it is. It feels safe. Are you the one bringing up the subject of marriage or is it your significant other?

Write down all of your fears about getting married. What is the worst thing that can happen by saying yes and what is the best thing that could happen? Pour your heart out and then read through your list.

How do you feel after reading it? Does anything surprise you? You could ask your significant other to write a list also and then read each others concerns along with the good reasons why you should marry.

What do you want your marriage to look like?

Dig deep to see if it is rooted in love or something else. If you decide to say yes give it your best from the get go. Do it for each other.

It would be wonderful if your friends didn’t have such a difficult time in their life, but things happen. However, there are good things that come along with the bad. There might still be hope for them.

Your job is to evaluate where your true fear is coming from. It’s perfectly fine to be engaged for as long as you both decide to. Take your time deciding on this next chapter of your life.

Marriage is a big deal. That is why you need to ask each other if you are willing to commit for the long haul. For better and for worse. You can’t have one without the other.

Hopefully it will mostly be better for the both of you. This is your life so choose wisely. Your significant other is depending on you to be ready without any reservations.

If you decide to say yes do it for the right reasons. Marriage can be a wonderful experience if both parties are in it to stay committed to one another. It is true that both parties must work at a marriage, but it is worth it.

Have you been pondering over a question that you aren’t sure about? Need advice on it? If you would like to have your question featured on an upcoming “Ask Lucy” segment please email me at: hello@lulalucy.com