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Ask Lucy

In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the question comes from Nancy.

“My husband will be leaving soon for a job across the country. This job is a blessing, but my family is taking it hard. My family is really close and are used to spending time together. We have three wonderful kids. Two of them are making the transition from a teen to an adult and our youngest will be a senior soon. All of them have a special bond with their daddy. We’ve downloaded FaceTime apps and scheduled weekend visits. How can I help them and myself with this transition?”

This sounds like something that I can relate to. Before we moved to North Carolina our family went through this very thing. It can be a difficult time especially when you are so used to having your spouse and family together all of the time.

It sounds like you have set up some good ways to get through it. FaceTime and the weekend visits are going to benefit everyone. The main thing is keeping the communication line open.

With FaceTime it will be a way for your family and your spouse to feel connected to each other. Be sure to schedule your own one on one FaceTime with your spouse as well.

When we moved I didn’t have that kind of option, but I wish I would have been able to communicate this way with my spouse and I know our children would have loved that.

You want to remain supportive of your spouse taking this job. Remember that this will be hard on him as well. He has chosen to take a big leap to better himself and your family. It can be a time where there might be feelings of uncertainty.

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In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the questions comes from Sally.

Is it normal not to know if you’re in love or not? I know it’s a silly question when you are older, but after being in love and in a marriage for 20+ years I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever have that “head over heels” feeling again and I may not ever get that back. Shame on me for saying it back and not knowing, but I know it’s just different. I have such a shield now with everyone that I have lost the closeness with my parents and sibling. I keep to myself, but do enjoy time with that special man in my life who has shown me how to laugh again.  I have read that it’s normal to shut people out after a divorce, but does a person ever open back up again? What are your thoughts?”

This is a difficult one to answer because your pain comes across so openly. That is what happens after you had such a long marriage. It is to be expected.

Sure you were so in love with your first marriage, but it doesn’t have to stop there. You are in the healing process after divorce. Each person is different.

There is no magic formula that will tell you when it is okay to fall in love again. The love that you shared with your ex-husband will always be special. You created a strong bond together.

For whatever your reasons were for divorcing it didn’t break that tie completely. You grew together for so many years and I bet some of those were truly wonderful years too.

When you share that kind of time together it won’t be that easy to feel like you can love again. Depending if your divorce was recent or not will also determine how you feel about love. It’s okay to question your feelings.

You may not know if you are in love or not because you are afraid to answer that question. Maybe the new guy in your life is a great companion that enjoys your company, adores you and makes you laugh.

If that was missing in your life before, then it would be easier for you to accept him in your life now.

Do you think you enjoy his attention and the fact that he makes you feel special again?

I can only imagine that it would be flattering to get that kind of attention after a divorce. You deserve to be treated like a queen. It is great that you enjoy each others company.

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Ask Lucy

In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the question comes from Nancy.

“My husband left a really good job a couple of years ago to pursue another career. He hasn’t found that new career yet. I’ve been extremely supportive with him going back to school or trying different jobs. As long as he is happy is all that matters. Unfortunately, our bank account and bills do not share the same sentiment. How do I keep supporting his happiness with our financial challenges?”

That is a tough predicament to be in. One part of you wants to be the supportive spouse and the other part resents that you have to put up with most of the financial burden. It is okay to feel those type of emotions.

How much longer do you want to ride it out though?

Maybe now is the time to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. Let him know that although you initially gave your support that now it is more of a burden on you.

It doesn’t mean that you don’t want him to find his dream career, but now it’s his turn to step up to the plate. Going after a dream career takes time. You both owe it to yourselves to find a way to compromise.

What about your dreams?

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In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the question comes from Vanessa.

“What would cause a person to want to have a friendship with the opposite sex and is a friendship really what they are looking for?”

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes. We all have them. There are some friendships that stem from childhood that we hold on to for dear life.

Most are with the same-sex and every so often some great friendships might be with the opposite sex. For myself mine have always been with my girlfriends.

Not all friendships with the opposite sex mean that it is something to be worried about. However, if you are married or in a committed relationship then it’s important to be respectful of your spouses feelings.

It doesn’t have anything to do with insecurities. I’ll use myself as an example. Here is my take on it.

I would not like my husband to have a close relationship with another female. I’m fairly certain he would feel the same way about me. It is about giving that kind of attention to each other not to someone else.

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In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the question comes from Sonia.

How do you handle a breaking relationship? I have had someone be a part of my life since before I can remember. This person has been like a sister to me who has stood by me through the good times and the bad. Life has taken us in different directions on the globe, but I still try to keep a strong bond through social media or by calling her. This “friend” no longer calls, texts or responds through social media posts, but has time for everyone else. We had a heart to heart because I needed her and was left to deal with a life changing event alone. I tried to look past this, but see no change on her end. Should I call a spade a spade and walk away with my memories or continue to be that friend who will have her back no matter what?

This is a problem that comes up every now and then for reasons we don’t always understand. Time has a way of dividing the best of friendships. In this case it sounds like there is something beneath the surface.

When did you first notice that your friendship was taking a turn?

Throughout friendships there are other circumstances that come up that may not have anything to do with the friendship itself. If one friend is having a difficult time in their life they may hold back.

Another reason is what is otherwise known as the green-eyed monster: jealousy. It can be an ugly thing that causes havoc along the way. Friends can become jealous when they are going through a sad time in their life.

Your friend may feel like she should be getting the great things that you might be getting. This leads to resentment and may cause her to shut down. Finding out why she has changed her behavior towards you is the first thing to do.

Have you asked her if you have done something to offend her?

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Ask Lucy

In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the question comes from Maria.

“How can a person love oneself before loving others?”

This is such a great question. It is one that so many people encounter at one point or another depending on the things that they have gone through. Let’s peel the layers on this one.

Self-love isn’t always easy to give to yourself especially when life has taken you through some hardships. Bad things happen to good people and as a result your ability to give love to others suffers.

Holding on to the negative baggage that you went through belongs in one place: the trashcan. This negative bond holds on to you like the gum on your shoe. Like that gum the baggage can be removed.

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Ask Lucy

In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the question comes from Evelyn.

“You have been a real inspiration to me as I watch you pursue your dreams. What advice can you offer to somebody who has ambition to pursue an alternate career, but is hesitant to take that “leap of faith” for fear of the unknown?”

I really love this question because it is something that I am really passionate about. Ambition is a powerful tool if you use it to your advantage. I have found that when you decide, that is the game changer.

At some point or another people usually want to change careers. It’s normal to go through. Ask yourself why you are hesitant to take that leap of faith.

What are you afraid of besides the unknown?

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In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the question comes from Sonia.

“Recently two friends have confided in me that they are thinking of getting a divorce. Both have been in a long marriage  (5-10+ years.) Although I am rooting for their marriage to get back on track; this does not help my fear of tying the knot myself. It is a conversation that has come up recently in my own relationship. I’m scared that I might say no because of this fear of divorcing like everyone that I know. What can I do to feel more secure about saying yes to marriage?”

Well first of all let me commend you for being that friend that offers support and positive feedback on this particular subject. Divorce is such a sensitive topic for so many people. It is a difficult time for those contemplating such a decision.

Often it is hard to even discuss with your friends for fear of what you might hear back on this subject. Don’t let what other people have gone through be an indicator of how marriage will turn out for you.

Remember that everyone has their own troubles and that you need to be clear on how you really feel about marriage in general. Keep in mind that just because the people in your life have gone through a divorce doesn’t mean that you will follow suit.

There are people who were meant to be married and also made the right decision in getting a divorce amicably. Sometimes there is an abuse in a relationship and all the more reason to end a marriage. When all else fails to restore a marriage, divorce can end up being the last resort.

All marriages go through various stages. There are up’s and there are also downs. It’s really a matter of being able to communicate from the very beginning.

Keep on having this conversation with your significant other. Be open to discussing your fears about getting married. The last thing that you want to do is to say no because you’re afraid.

The thought of marriage can seem scary. You wonder what it will be like or if you are truly ready. Commitment is a serious thing.

Think about what scares you about saying yes to marriage. Is it simply that the people who you love and care about have gone through a divorce or is there more to your fear?

Maybe you are afraid to say yes because you still like being in the current relationship as it is. It feels safe. Are you the one bringing up the subject of marriage or is it your significant other?

Write down all of your fears about getting married. What is the worst thing that can happen by saying yes and what is the best thing that could happen? Pour your heart out and then read through your list.

How do you feel after reading it? Does anything surprise you? You could ask your significant other to write a list also and then read each others concerns along with the good reasons why you should marry.

What do you want your marriage to look like?

Dig deep to see if it is rooted in love or something else. If you decide to say yes give it your best from the get go. Do it for each other.

It would be wonderful if your friends didn’t have such a difficult time in their life, but things happen. However, there are good things that come along with the bad. There might still be hope for them.

Your job is to evaluate where your true fear is coming from. It’s perfectly fine to be engaged for as long as you both decide to. Take your time deciding on this next chapter of your life.

Marriage is a big deal. That is why you need to ask each other if you are willing to commit for the long haul. For better and for worse. You can’t have one without the other.

Hopefully it will mostly be better for the both of you. This is your life so choose wisely. Your significant other is depending on you to be ready without any reservations.

If you decide to say yes do it for the right reasons. Marriage can be a wonderful experience if both parties are in it to stay committed to one another. It is true that both parties must work at a marriage, but it is worth it.

Have you been pondering over a question that you aren’t sure about? Need advice on it? If you would like to have your question featured on an upcoming “Ask Lucy” segment please email me at: hello@lulalucy.com

 

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Ask Lucy

 

In this weeks Ask Lucy segment the questions come from Lesley.

“How do you juggle being a busy mom, wife and with two careers? How do you do it all and find time to take care of yourself? You are always so beautifully put together and happy looking.”

Wow, those are great questions and such a beautiful compliment Lesley! As long as I can remember I have always worked full-time and have been a writer during that time. I make time for my husband, our boys and myself.

My husband and I like to watch movies usually on demand on cable. If the weather is nice we have been known to hop on his Harley and take a nice ride then stop and get a bite to eat. With our boys we watch movies together or go out to eat.

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